Ashamed of ‘Sticking Out’

Yesterday, my dear friend and soulmate Katarina has visited me after two years living in a distant lands. We had a jolly great time together, lots of fun and cuddles. We haven’t got the time for coloring books, unfortunately, but whatever. We’ll meet once more for sure!
I was excited to show her my new diary, as it’s incredibly awesome and I am glad I bumped into one that FINALLLLLLLLLLLYY has EVERYTHING I want and deserve!
But, a certain block came up-
Inner block of course, as I’ve got enough shiz to spare-
As I was showing her the diary and realised SHE COULD SEE
– My plans
– My goals
– My vision board
– My daily program

I tensed up! 

Even though nothing happened at all.
As always, always always in the past, as soon as I shown ANYTHING that even distinctly looked like me –
Beaten, shunned, yelled at, locked up.
And the reason could be a simple drawing, doodle -they- did not like.
Which was probably any, because hey, there’s no better hobby than child abuse. How I don’t like people at all…
This (an some more!) has most likely created this barrier in sharing WHO I AM, sharing my dreams, goals, visions, message, truth, art, the power within I keep restricting and duct taped, so not a bit will come out and show.
It’s a shame, really,
that I allowed this to keep happening even after I left that… place.
Because it was ingrained in me for oh-so-long, that I didn’t notice internally, that stuff had changed. That I am no longer there.
And what manifested of my fear was an abusive acts of my flatmate. No longer a partner, mind you, he has to earn the title again.
At least I guess it’s that.

‘Cause being a soulmate is no justification for acting dumb.

And in similar ways, I’m locking myself down every day. Not even trying, as I’ve been knocked down one too many times. That the will to stand up is barely there, as I am rock solid SURE that it won’t play out again.
That someone will shatter me again.
I want to refuse being insecure about my vast and incredible potential.
But as I refused-
the pain started.
Now, I am genuinely afraid of every single human in my life.
Heh, even now I am scared to open up to you. Even though I want to do it, and I’m doing it.
As why would I internally heal, when it will happen again and again.
What if I am trapped.
Prevented to reach eternity and brightness?
Not sure what more to write, all came out what wanted to. I can keep going for a while, but it stresses me out a bit so I might as well stop 🙂
Have a nice day, and I believe you’re stronger than I currently am! <3 I know we can grow much stronger, as there are ZERO real boundaries to human potential and life.
Our only obstacles are INSIDE, with no step-by-step process on how to melt them.
For all I know, they could be as well made of thin ice, but if you have no idea where to find the temperature switch…
You’ve got to follow your intuition 🙂
And keep trusting.

Do what feels right for you,

and always,

Flow Freely ♥

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